Hormones?

My emotional state has been excruciatingly fragile lately. I was feeling so hopelessly down a few days ago, but some friend therapy had helped tremendously. I was feeling pretty good for a day or two. But, I was having some pretty insane dreams. Yesterday morning I sat and thought a while. I don't get plain weird dreams unless I'm pregnant. A firework went off in my chest. I had made up my mind to wait a couple of months and let my mind mend a little before I attempted the emotional loop again. But one night of total and complete loss of control both mentally and physically a week ago had my mind reeling right then. How could that happen? I just had a D&C. It normally took me 3 mo to get pregnant at all. How can I face the possibility of going through this again? I wanted to cry, scream, laugh, explode! But really, I was so happy. I had hope. I hadn't gone to the bathroom yet, so I tried not to be too excited and grabbed a test. I was trying to calculate the number of days in my head while fumbling with the wrapper. A week. I should still technically wait a week before I test. I just could not wait. So I did it. Waiting, waiting, WAITING. How is waiting 30 seconds for a test so horrible? I looked at it, and I knew it wasn't going to be a bright blue obvious line because I was testing so early, but I looked and looked. And it was there! I know it! A faint blue line. Could it be? Am I just wanting to see it so bad that it is magically there? No. I looked at it 50 different times and each time I could see it. Hope!! I had a flame of hope alive again. I couldn't believe how excited I was to have the possibility of being pregnant again. Even if it meant I could also be facing the possibility of losing it again. I was so happy that day. I was myself. I felt so light and free. I had another impossibly crazy dream that night. So weird that it woke me up several times. I was so sure I was pregnant. I just wanted to sing! Then I went to the bathroom sometime later that day. And there was blood. My period must be starting. My world came crashing down again. Why did I let myself get like this? Why am I so desperate? Where is my faith? Where is my endurance? I found myself sobbing in the bathroom. I was angry and hurt. Anger. I had done so well to keep myself away from that. Who was this person here? Where did these feelings come from? I was able to keep my mind busy for a while until my husband came home. I told him what happened, and he gave me a blessing of comfort. I wanted him to say that I would bear another child in the blessing so badly. He paused at the end, then closed the blessing. I could hardly even cry because of shock. Tears just streamed down my cheeks so hot and wet. My eyes were so blurry. My husband had to go back to work, and had a hard time leaving. I was looking so forward to the relief of the blessing and the relief to know that I would bear another child in my future. I was so angry! I screamed and cried and cried. I didn't even know whom I was becoming. I never reacted like this. I was so angry and upset. I went and burned it off on the eliptical. After a good work out, I was feeling more humble and I knelt in prayer. I didn't even know what to say. But I was feeling better. The comfort was coming even though I didn't know if I would ever have a child again or not. I have cooled my feelings down and thought a lot. I learned that no matter what your intentions, no matter what you expect of yourself, you see a side of yourself you never see except in adversity. I am not the person I want to be. I am not the person I see my self being in adversity. All these thoughts and feelings have been brought out. Where was this rock I had imagined? Where was my faith I had planned for? Why can't I do anything right? I hated myself. I could not meet the challenge. This trial has brought out some things I never wanted to see in myself. I was so horrified at myself. Trials should build faith, not destroy it. I prayed so hard for forgiveness. I cried and cried again because of shame of myself. And here I am. Ready for tomorrow. Still terribly fragile, but ready. Because even though I have felt off and on that I am so alone, I am not. I am not comfortless. I know I am being prepared for something. I don't know what, but I've felt that way the last few hours. Maybe just life in general, but I know I will take from this something that will benefit me and possibly others in the future.