My Son.

Have you ever had one of those days in school where you can't even try your hardest to focus? Your mind is just bent on wandering? I feel like that. I feel like that a lot. I have been doing ok, and even been trying to move forward. I feel happy even sometimes. But, like I posted before, my emotional state is still excruciatingly fragile. I can completely break down at the sight of something. It's to the point now that I fear what sets me off. When I see a pregnant woman, instead of pangs of jealousy followed by sorrow, I feel panic. Panic because I don't know how long this set back will take. How long I will take to get back to baseline after this break down. It doesn't take long anymore, but still each one is unbearable. I think that my mind has been blocking out the world, life, maybe most things, because then I won't notice the things that make me hurt. My mind is numb most of the time, but I only notice when I find myself staring out at nothing. Today I didn't notice until after I put my son to bed.

He had been a little whiny today, but I couldn't figure out why. I had changed him, given him snacks he didn't eat, filled his cup. I could only think he was tired or bored. When I was cleaning up after he was in bed, I realized I couldn't find anything I had given him to eat. He must have actually eaten everything I gave him. Which was a lot for him right now. He hasn't been eating much lately. I just sat on the couch and cried thinking that my baby was hungry and I couldn't even tell. I was not there for him. He had ended up eating a whole granola bar, a whole cheese stick, some strawberries, some trail mix, and some smarties. This is a feast compared to what he has been eating lately. But there was not one crumb anywhere. He had eaten it all. Where am I? Where is the mom who cares so much about her son's nutrition? About his development? I know he is too young to notice, but I notice. I'm faltering. I am still so confused. I don't know what's going on. I CANNOT let this affect my son. I have to snap out of this. I have to do something more.