Can't kick it.

I have long ago accepted that we are not in control of everything. But, I thought we were still in control of somethings. For instance, I can still be in control of my state of being, my outlook on life, and my moods. Well, I have been forced to accept that that is not the case all the time. I have never felt so out of control, or helpless. Our minds are very fragile and have incredibly delicate hormonal balances. We are very affected by our surroundings. And sometimes, more than we think. I have experienced that this week. I have witnessed my body react to places and things my mind associated with emotional trauma. And I have not been able to snap out of it. Something has clicked, and I cannot click it back. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel numb. Where is my joy in life I had? That joy I have fought so hard to keep despite the depression I have been having? I was doing so well. I had it back. Then in an instant my mind panicked, and I guess it shut off everything to protect itself from the overwhelming emotional wave again. I have just been pushing forward and trying to at least fake a normal life again. This is hard.