Hormones?

My emotional state has been excruciatingly fragile lately. I was feeling so hopelessly down a few days ago, but some friend therapy had helped tremendously. I was feeling pretty good for a day or two. But, I was having some pretty insane dreams. Yesterday morning I sat and thought a while. I don't get plain weird dreams unless I'm pregnant. A firework went off in my chest. I had made up my mind to wait a couple of months and let my mind mend a little before I attempted the emotional loop again. But one night of total and complete loss of control both mentally and physically a week ago had my mind reeling right then. How could that happen? I just had a D&C. It normally took me 3 mo to get pregnant at all. How can I face the possibility of going through this again? I wanted to cry, scream, laugh, explode! But really, I was so happy. I had hope. I hadn't gone to the bathroom yet, so I tried not to be too excited and grabbed a test. I was trying to calculate the number of days in my head while fumbling with the wrapper. A week. I should still technically wait a week before I test. I just could not wait. So I did it. Waiting, waiting, WAITING. How is waiting 30 seconds for a test so horrible? I looked at it, and I knew it wasn't going to be a bright blue obvious line because I was testing so early, but I looked and looked. And it was there! I know it! A faint blue line. Could it be? Am I just wanting to see it so bad that it is magically there? No. I looked at it 50 different times and each time I could see it. Hope!! I had a flame of hope alive again. I couldn't believe how excited I was to have the possibility of being pregnant again. Even if it meant I could also be facing the possibility of losing it again. I was so happy that day. I was myself. I felt so light and free. I had another impossibly crazy dream that night. So weird that it woke me up several times. I was so sure I was pregnant. I just wanted to sing! Then I went to the bathroom sometime later that day. And there was blood. My period must be starting. My world came crashing down again. Why did I let myself get like this? Why am I so desperate? Where is my faith? Where is my endurance? I found myself sobbing in the bathroom. I was angry and hurt. Anger. I had done so well to keep myself away from that. Who was this person here? Where did these feelings come from? I was able to keep my mind busy for a while until my husband came home. I told him what happened, and he gave me a blessing of comfort. I wanted him to say that I would bear another child in the blessing so badly. He paused at the end, then closed the blessing. I could hardly even cry because of shock. Tears just streamed down my cheeks so hot and wet. My eyes were so blurry. My husband had to go back to work, and had a hard time leaving. I was looking so forward to the relief of the blessing and the relief to know that I would bear another child in my future. I was so angry! I screamed and cried and cried. I didn't even know whom I was becoming. I never reacted like this. I was so angry and upset. I went and burned it off on the eliptical. After a good work out, I was feeling more humble and I knelt in prayer. I didn't even know what to say. But I was feeling better. The comfort was coming even though I didn't know if I would ever have a child again or not. I have cooled my feelings down and thought a lot. I learned that no matter what your intentions, no matter what you expect of yourself, you see a side of yourself you never see except in adversity. I am not the person I want to be. I am not the person I see my self being in adversity. All these thoughts and feelings have been brought out. Where was this rock I had imagined? Where was my faith I had planned for? Why can't I do anything right? I hated myself. I could not meet the challenge. This trial has brought out some things I never wanted to see in myself. I was so horrified at myself. Trials should build faith, not destroy it. I prayed so hard for forgiveness. I cried and cried again because of shame of myself. And here I am. Ready for tomorrow. Still terribly fragile, but ready. Because even though I have felt off and on that I am so alone, I am not. I am not comfortless. I know I am being prepared for something. I don't know what, but I've felt that way the last few hours. Maybe just life in general, but I know I will take from this something that will benefit me and possibly others in the future.

Can't kick it.

I have long ago accepted that we are not in control of everything. But, I thought we were still in control of somethings. For instance, I can still be in control of my state of being, my outlook on life, and my moods. Well, I have been forced to accept that that is not the case all the time. I have never felt so out of control, or helpless. Our minds are very fragile and have incredibly delicate hormonal balances. We are very affected by our surroundings. And sometimes, more than we think. I have experienced that this week. I have witnessed my body react to places and things my mind associated with emotional trauma. And I have not been able to snap out of it. Something has clicked, and I cannot click it back. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel numb. Where is my joy in life I had? That joy I have fought so hard to keep despite the depression I have been having? I was doing so well. I had it back. Then in an instant my mind panicked, and I guess it shut off everything to protect itself from the overwhelming emotional wave again. I have just been pushing forward and trying to at least fake a normal life again. This is hard.

PTSD

Turns out you can get PTSD from the doctor's office. I will remember that for when my kids are scared and traumatized by the doctor. I thought I had been doing remarkably well with the help I was getting after my D&C. I was feeling happy again. I hardly even felt sad when I thought about my babies. I was functioning pretty normally again. Then I had my follow up visit. I was instructed to make one to make sure everything turned out ok after the D&C, so I did. It was on Tuesday afternoon. I was feeling normal that day. When I pulled into the parking lot, my heart rate went up quite a bit. I was feeling a little sweaty, too, but I told myself I was being dumb and to stop it. I went into the office to check in, and I could hardly talk to the nurse I was so nervous. Luckily I didn't have to wait long, but even so, by the time I got into the exam room to wait for the doctor I was out of control. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't think. It was like trying to take a breath right after taking a deep breath. I was crying, and I couldn't tell why. What was wrong? I was FINE 30 min ago. Then my doctor came in. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I could barely talk to him, and I could barely control myself. My doctor asked me a couple questions, and then commented on how I was not myself today. I looked anxious and upset. He told me it was not uncommon to get PTSD after these procedures. Then he offered me a prescription for the anxiety and depression. I was not in the right frame of mind to even think about it. I told him I was ok, and I would be fine as soon as I could leave. He told me to call if I changed my mind. I got 12 vials of blood drawn then for testing right afterwards. I was getting worse with every minute I was in there. I didn't even know they had taken so many vials until I saw the pile afterward. I left in a hurry. That night, needless to say, I was a mess. And I couldn't sleep to top it off. I finally got to sleep sometime after 2am. I felt no better that morning or as the morning proceeded. I decided to call the doctor for a benzo or something to help me get through unexpected times like these. The nurse went to talk to him, and he said he wanted to talk to me and he would call me back sometime later today. At 5pm his nurse called me again and told me that he said he was sorry he hadn't called yet. He had an emergency surgery and was stuck all day and that he would call me back later that evening. When 9:30 rolled around I realized he wasn't going to call. I guess I just have to wait until the storm is over. At midnight I couldn't sleep, so I went on a walk. My mind just went numb and I walked. I didn't get back until after 2am. And I still can't sleep. I don't understand what is happening to me. I have never been so out of control. So up or down. So utterly helpless. It has been so random. How can I possibly know how to avoid or prepare? I'll have to just wait and see how long it takes to feel better. I am not very high on the list of people to help, I guess. I don't know if I have the strength to try to get through this as well again.

News.

Today was a bad day. Well, it wasn't until late at night. I was watching a movie, and in it a girl gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Just seeing her pregnant didn't bother me. The baby crying didn't bother me. But I was surprised when I instantly broke into sobs when she put her finger in the baby's mouth, and the baby started sucking. I don't know why that was what got me. I sobbed and sobbed for a few minutes. It was the first time I have cried for sadness in 2 days. It was the first time in 2 days I couldn't control myself. What is happening to me?

The movie ended and I went to feed the dogs. To pass the time, I checked my email and facebook. I got a message from my childhood best friend that said she was expecting a baby boy Jan 31. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes again. I started bawling again. Hot tears on my cheeks. I cried even longer this time. And it took a while until the tears stopped. I really am so happy for her. But the sting of the reminder of my loss is still sharp. Very sharp. My husband told me that Abraham going through the trial of sacrificing Isaac was the biggest trial of faith there ever has been. Was it, perhaps, losing a child was the hardest part? I hope I don't have to find out.

White chocolate chips.

Is it wrong to want to be in a bad mood? I have come so far since Monday. I was busy all day yesterday, and I got so much accomplished. I felt so happy and so good. I'm not sure what happened today, but I have just wanted to sit on the couch with my baby's nursing cover in hand. And be grumpy and lazy. Not angry grumpy, more like rebellious. I don't want to get off the couch, and I don't have to! ha. No, I don't want to brush my hair today. No, I don't want to get out my pajamas today. And I can because I want to. Don't worry, my son ate well today. Veges, pasta, and white chocolate chips. He had the white chocolate chips because I had them. They are my comfort food. I don't like chocolate, but I LOVE white chocolate. Is it so bad to just throw responsibility out the window for a day? Just take it easy and enjoy TV all day? I guess I don't care that much because that is what I did. Here's to responsibility tomorrow.

No Matter what it is.

To my friends and family who read this blog, let me start by saying everything really is ok. I have been through a lot lately, and I have found that getting my thoughts out has helped, and I prefer to type rather than write. I don't want to have my trials on the same blog as my day to day life. Please don't think that I am breaking down, and please don't call to ask how I am doing. It is really hard to have everything brought up again. I am grieving, but I am still me. Mostly.

The beginning. I wanted to start trying to have another baby this last January. My son was turning 1 yr old, and I wanted to have them close together. I thought it would be so fun to have two little buds. So we tried for a few months. I was really confused that I didn't get pregnant right away. We got pregnant so easily with our son it actually shocked us. I thought it would be just as easy this time. I hadn't been on birth control, and I felt otherwise healthy. Just like last time. So I was so devastated by the negative results I was getting. But, then FINALLY! That little pink line! I was SO relieved and SO excited!

I went to my doctor when I was supposed to be about 8 weeks, and the ultrasound said it wasn't even measuring 6 weeks. So no big deal right? That's what I thought, too. But then when I was supposed to go back and get remeasured, It was gone. My doctor told me I was going to miscarry. This came as such a shock. My mind just completely stopped. This doesn't happen to me. This can't happen to me. I had a healthy baby already! What happened?! I could hardly even keep listening to what my doctor was saying. My ears just started ringing and it was all I could do to keep the tears partially stayed. I made it out to the waiting room and it was FULL of pregnant women. I have never been one to just lose it emotionally, but just the sight of them with their babies crushed me. The tears started spilling before I could even try to stop them. I made it out to my car, and I couldn't hold back anymore. I tried to call my husband, but my cell phone wasn't working. I needed some help, so I prayed. I was immediately wrapped in some loving arms and felt such love and comfort overcome me; the pain was stopped. It would be ok. I didn't know if I would keep this baby or not, but I would be ok.

My doctor had told me to come back in a week to see what was going on again. So I did, and this time, the ultrasound looked BETTER! I was so excited for a tiny bit of hope. My heart just raced. Maybe it will be ok. Maybe. So, since the ultrasounds were somewhat conflicting my doctor wanted to draw an HCG level to know for sure. So I had it drawn that day and was to repeat in 2 days. The first level came back in normal range, but you don't know anything until you compare it to a second level 48 hours later. It should at least double. I came back in 2 days and it had gone down. That small hope I had disappeared. I was an emotional roller coaster. The down, then up, then way down. I was so confused and hurt. But I knew it would be ok. I was told that. So I tried to stay as positive as I could in the circumstances. Also, my doctor had told me the chances of having a miscarriage again went way down, and odds were in my favor. Next time would be ok.

So, we tried again. This time the negative results were even more devastating than before. But I was still hopeful. It would happen! A few months went by again. What was wrong with me? Why can't I have another baby? Then again, that little pink line!!! The emotional relief was soo intense. I felt so relaxed and comforted. FINALLY. It was like the tension all over my body was cut in an instant. I had an ultrasound when I was about 8 weeks again. But it was measuring small again. About a week late. My heart dropped and I felt like my breathing stopped as well. I could feel the tears welling up in me again. Not again! NOT again! But the ultrasound tech was pointing out all the healthy indicators to me and said that everything really looked great. And then there was the heartbeat! I cried with joy when I heard that sweet music. The last one never got that far. This is good. It will be ok. So I left feeling relieved and excited! But I still was not out of the woods, so I tried not to get too excited. I started running my errands after the appt and was still feeling so elated. Then I was getting hot, and started to feel sweaty and damp. I started wondering why I felt so wet. When I got into my car I checked, and I couldn't even speak or move when I saw the blood. There was so much! I was just reassured and told it was healthy less than 2 hours ago! How can this happen? I was shaking and in disbelief and starting to lose control. I tried to call my doctor but the office was closed. I tried to call my nurse at the hospital but they were gone home as well. I didn't know where I could go. I had to get ready for activity days in 30 min, so I pulled myself together and went. My mind was completely missing during the activity, but the girls were busy enough they didn't notice. Then I called the after hours line to my doctor again after the activity and told him what happened. He told me to come in first thing in the morning and he would get me in. So I did.

The ultrasound showed the area where I bled, AND the baby. There it was. Complete with that same little heartbeat just fluttering away. My wonderful doctor reassured me again. He told me that this happens fairly frequently, and in most cases it means nothing. It was far from the baby, and it still looked healthy, and it should be ok. So I left feeling nervous but reassured. I continued to spot, but not nearly so bad as that day. I had another appt 2 weeks later just to check on it again. So I went feeling happy and confident. I felt like this time would be ok.

When he started looking at the baby, I could see the screen and just started searching for that little flutter. My heart rate slowly rising because I couldn't find it. My resp rate started rising, and I was getting nervous. Still no heart beat. Then my doctor turned to me and told me he had bad news. The heartbeat was gone. I was going to lose this baby, too. I started sobbing on the table. I had been getting comfortable, and somewhat sure that this one was the one. I had made a carseat cover and changing pad covers YESTERDAY. I had unpacked my box of maternity clothes that had been on the floor of my closet for over a month YESTERDAY. I thought about the next few months and how I wouldn't have a baby bump as proof of my trial. I wouldn't have a baby in March. I couldn't even listen to my doctor try to comfort me again. All I coherently heard was that I would probably need a D&C this time. My mind stopped. NO! You can't take my baby from me! I just couldn't bear the thought.

I left with tears streaming down my cheeks again. I called my husband, and I could hardly even get out the words. Last time I had some time to adjust and accept what was happening. This time the door was slammed in my face. The rug was pulled out from under me. Thursday morning I woke up with cramping and significant bleeding. I couldn't stand to bleed for 3 weeks again, so I called to make an appt for a D&C later that day. The cramping got worse and a little after noon it got really bad. The pain was as bad as contractions. I couldn't even stand. I was forced to my knees, and I couldn't even focus. I made it to the bathroom, and shortly afterwards I passed my baby. I could see it. Right there. I picked it up and held it tenderly and sobbed. It was so tiny. About an inch long. But so distinguishable. I could see it's eyes, nose, mouth, its intestines, and even 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. It was so small. I cried and cried.

I went to put it on some toilet paper. NO! my baby deserves better than that. So I went to the closet in a frenzy to get a small piece of cloth. NO! my baby deserves a blanket! Something soft. So again I ran upstairs in a frenzy again to get a small blanket that matched my son's favorite blanket to put it on. My appt time was coming up, but I didn't know if I should still go or not. I tried to call, but the nurses station was closed from 1-2 for lunch. I went anyway. I carried my baby in my lap all the way there. I had to drop my son off at my dear friend's house, and I was so emotional I could barely stand to leave him there when he was reaching for me. My husband drove us up to the clinic, and we went in. I thought it unfitting that the clinic is in a spa. There were happy women around me getting pampered, and I was struggling with the loss of my baby.

I had to give the nurse my baby so it could be tested. I went in to be prepped, was cleaned out, and was on my way home empty handed. I came home to see the pile of fabric that I had made my carseat cover from. There was all this evidence everywhere, and I had been stripped of everything. But, I just wanted to finish the nursing cover I had planned to make. I wanted to make it for my baby. So I got to work, and it was nice to have something to do. While I was making it, I didn't account for turning it inside out, and the boning ended up being in backwards. I couldn't stand it not being perfect, so I spent a half hour picking it out and then resewing it to make it perfect for my baby. I could do that for my baby.

I cried myself to sleep every night for several nights after that. It got to the point I didn't want to go to bed and would stay up really late in the hopes I would fall asleep instantly. I prayed for strength all day long. To keep it together. At least for my son if not for me. I have a whole new love for the song 'I Need Thee Every Hour,' because I really did. Every hour I needed new strength. I cried multiple times a day. I could hardly find energy to do anything. To make matters worse I got sick with the flu early Friday morning and was sick all day. I had no appetite the next couple days. I have lost 5 pounds in less than a week, and still haven't had a good appetite. I have struggled with depression before, and I could see myself sliding down that slippery slope. I had no motivation. Things didn't make me happy like they used to. I had no energy, but I couldn't sleep. I was getting so numb, though the tears still came. I could see that downward spiral, and I couldn't stop myself from falling into it. One day as I was sitting on the couch, I knew what was happening, but I could not find the energy to even try to stop it. I thought about letting myself go, because that would be easier than trying to stop it. I thought about how that would make me a terrible mother. I thought about my husband. But, I still couldn't find anything to help me stop.

I eventually went and got my patriarchal blessing. I thought it may have some comfort for me in it. As I read it, I got to a part that said I would come to know that despite stumbling and difficult challenges, Jesus' grace is sufficient to help me overcome any problem. No matter what it is. I sat and pondered that, and sobs shook my body. The spirit taught me 2 things.

1: The atonement is not just for repentance. Yes, Christ suffered for all our sins. That if we believe in him, we would find remission. I have come to know the sweetness of forgiveness in past trials, and it is exquisite. But, I learned that Christ also suffered our trials. Not the ones that we bring upon ourselves through mistakes, but the ones that we suffer because of life, nature, others, any trial that is through no fault of our own. He suffered those trials so he can comfort us perfectly. Though I did not mess up to cause this pain, I can STILL QUALIFY for Christ's love and comfort through his atonement.

2: I still have my agency. I sat there thinking that Christ has the power to fix any problem I have. I know that the chemistry in my brain is off, and I can't fix it. But Christ can. BUT, he wont just fix it for me. I need to ask. I still have my agency.

So, I sat there at a crossroad on the couch. I had a simple, but difficult (at the time) choice to make. I could sit there, and fall down that spiral I couldn't get out of. Or, I could have some strength and faith. Get up off the couch and pray that I would be healed. At that point, I was at a low, and I felt that I could not get up off the couch and do anything. I felt like it was an impossible task. But I didn't want to fall either. I sat there crying for some time trying to make my decision. I finally came to this. Either decision I make is probably going to lead me to the same end. I will have another baby at some time in the future. My husband gave me 2 blessings through this ordeal, and in both he told me I would have many opportunities to be a mother. I would have another baby. So, I could fall, let myself go, get better at some point, and have another baby. But I would be down, depressed, and probably wouldn't be a good mother to my son. Or, I could get up, have faith I would be healed, and be happy. I could get things accomplished, be a good mother, be a good wife. The choice became clear, though I still didn't know how I could do it. So I prayed. I prayed for the strength to make the good decision. That I could experience life through this trial, not just endure it. I wanted to handle this trial well, and I needed strength to do that. I told Heavenly Father that I could get up and take one step. I could do that. But I was honestly so depressed and hurt from my loss that I didn't think I could do much more than that. So I prayed. Please help me. I can take one step. I can take one step. I was there at my crossroad ready to take that step. I felt blindfolded and scared. I could take that step and fall. Or, I could take that step and Christ would be there to catch me. So, I took that step. And I can tell you, that after that one step, my prayer was immediately answered. My entire countenance changed. I felt all the pain and sadness leave me. I kept walking into the kitchen. I was still crying, but now it was tears of joy. He helped me overcome my problem. No matter what it was. I prayed with thanks this time. For helping me even though I don't deserve it. Even though I am so blessed already. Even though I should have had the strength to do it myself. Thank you. And I got to work. Something that was so impossible just moments before.

And here I am. I've been having a hard time still, but not nearly like it was. I still pray for strength, and I am so thankful for my friends and family that have been so loving and supportive. I couldn't have done it without all the help I received. But I miss my baby so much. I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, but I already loved it like a full term baby. We will be trying again, and I hope that things will work out better this time.