Rough.

So I finally broke down and saw a therapist. Which, to my relief, felt so good. It honestly has helped so much. I was able to validate my feelings, learn a little about grief, and relieve some unnecessary guilt. He also gave me some pointers on what to do from now on. When I start feeling angry, jealous, guilty, or sad, I need to identify the real reason behind the emotions. I can easily say it is because I lost my babies and haven't succeeded in getting pregnant most of the time. Other times, I can't tell what it is. But I let the emotion swell over me anyway because if I don't, it will only get worse. Today after an unexpected conversation that unexpectedly turned to THAT subject, I was in tears for hours. During the conversation my converser mentioned that she knew, just knew, the only way she was able to get pregnant again was because she was so so grateful for the two children she already had.

Knife to the heart.

I was crying uncontrollably for some time. I tried to pinpoint the emotion, but was having difficulty. Anger? Not really. Jealousy? No. Pain. Just pain. From the intensity of it all. From the length of it all. From it all. But I couldn't help myself from letting the guilt wash over me again. Was I being ungrateful? Was that why I couldn't have another baby? Was it because I don't have enough faith? I know that answers to questions wont come until after the trial is over, because that is part of the trial. Not knowing. That is part of having faith. That is part of being patient. But still, I can't help but think that this whole thing would be a lot easier if I knew where the end was. What I should be learning. I know that changes are hard. No, not just hard, down right difficult. I know that this will change me into a better person. I know there will be an end. What end? I don't know, but there will be something. But it doesn't lessen my pain any. I'm starting to wonder now if getting pregnant will even stop this heartache. I used to think that that would be the only cure. But now I don't even know. I don't know.