Missing my babies.

I have been thinking a lot the last couple weeks. And sometimes, I don't even know I'm thinking. But after a while I realize I was, and then wish I hadn't. Tomorrow was the due date of my first baby I lost. I wish I could just sleep through the day and somehow just pass over all the emotion and void of the day. But even think of it make me feel it now. I had felt so sure then that it would be ok, because I would be pregnant again on my baby's due date. It wouldn't hurt so badly because I would have something to fill the emptiness. But now, as I think that comforting thought, I can't help but to speculate at everything I have lost. I have lost not just one baby, but two. Now I can't even have a period. Everything about motherhood as been taken from me. I couldn't have my babies, then I couldn't get pregnant, now I can't even ovulate. What kind of woman, (let alone mother) am I? I have had such a terrible time trying so hard to just live life before I knew I wanted another baby. Why is it so impossible now? I try so hard to distract myself. Stay busy, watch TV, do chores, go shopping, something to keep my mind away from the terrible void I feel. But then I start thinking, and next thing I realize is that I've done it. I started wishing for my babies. I started to feel so hopeless. The pain is so crushing, and it is so hard to deal with sometimes. I'm running out of energy to keep trying to put myself together over and over.

I have been trying to just control the emotion and heartache, but that isn't working. All I'm doing is putting out fires. So I managed to come up with some hard to come by motivation and start being proactive. Start trying to prevent instead of dealing with the mess afterward. That kind of perspective works incredible well in medicine, maybe it can emotionally as well. So I start by stitching myself together in the mornings after dreaming about having a positive pregnancy test most mornings. Then I have been trying to stay busy. And it works while I can stay busy, but even 5 minute gaps are enough for everything to unravel. So new game plan. My dear cousin in law (who has been through so much more than me) told me to see a therapist because it helped her so much. So I can hopefully get that phonecall accomplished today. Next, see the good in my trial. This has been one hell of a trip, so may as well make some good of it.

1. I can empathize with other mothers who have lost their babies. I know the heartache. Even if the baby was only a couple weeks along. And I know the emotional roller coaster they will be on for the next several months.

2. I am probably not being patient in this endeavor, but I am babysitting a little girl right now. And my patience for her has increased 100 fold. Also my patience with people I don't like. I have this horrible personality trait that I have always always hated. Sometimes when people rub me the wrong way, or boss me around, or are pessimistic, or know-it-alls, I start to block them out. And even despise them. Time doesn't even erase how I feel. I started feeling like that towards a family member I love so deeply. And I was so conflicted and guilty. Why did I detest them? And I think that this trial may have helped me stamp that personality trait out. I hope so, because it is one of the things I hate in others and the thing I hate most about myself.

3. I have a beautiful healthy son. He is my life. He is my driving force when I have lost my will.

4. I am learning that I really have no control over my life. It is in the Lord's hands, and while he lets me drive most of the time, sometimes there is not one thing I can do until the Lord wills it.

5. It has taught me to pray always.

6. It has taught me to love to fast.

7. It has taught me how weak I am.

8. It has taught me also how strong I am.

I am so broken. I hope this doesn't last much longer.