No more fight.

I think that my fight has officially evaporated. I have been in an uncomfortable state of numb for a while. I don't have to fight to get through the days anymore, which is a plus, and I also can feel some joy in the day. Big improvement. But I still feel angry sometimes. Bitter even, but mostly what I feel day to day is numb. I just don't care. I don't care about seeing or talking to my friends. I don't even want to talk most of the time and would rather shut myself in. I was even shocked when I found myself wondering why I was trying to get pregnant again. I didn't even care. A lot of stuff is just sitting around, chores aren't getting done, because I just don't care. I have a hard time reminding myself that this will all be for good in the end. It's hard to keep in mind what I've learned, too. Did I learn? Am I a better person now? I just feel so damaged. My mind is broken. I find things out of place, or in place, and can't remember how it got there. Then I remember eventually after some staring, that I did it. It's hard, too, because at first, people expected me to be sad. Now they expect me to be normal, and I am just not normal yet. So I feel like I have to keep it to myself. Put on a face. My therapist told me to feel what I feel when I feel it. And I have really been trying to do that, but it is hard when I have to hide it from people. I guess it helps to just get it out, but I can't help but feel that maybe they are right. Maybe I should be over this by now. Why has it been so insanely difficult for me? I don't know. But it is. That's all I do know.