I have been doing really well.  I have been so grateful for the joy I feel, and the peace I have had. I have really been enjoying life and taking in all my experiences. Then, I got a feeling. I'm not sure if it was a real prompting, or something else, but I felt that another baby was impatiently waiting for me. Like this baby needed to come NOW. I would be watching des and paige and have this terrifying feeling that I had forgotten the baby somewhere. What baby? I don't have another baby. I have felt baby hunger so intensely! So  I prayed and fasted and went to the temple, and I felt so good about it!  That was 3 months ago. 3 failed attempts to get pregnant. Now, it hasn't affected me NEARLY like it had before. But it still hurts. It still hurts to fail. Was I wrong? Was the feeling all my own creation? I have really been reconsidering my previous thoughts. Doubting my feelings. Praying about Heavenly Father's plan for me. Life is so confusing.

Birthday Blues

I've got the birthday blues. Not in the way you might think, though. Yeah, I'm getting older, and yeah, I'm not particularly happy about it. But, it's not that at all. I've been feeling blue because it was this time two years ago that I lost my first baby. No joke. The same week as my birthday. What a great way to remember that loss. I was hoping I could forget about it. But then I felt an overwhelming wave of guilt for wanting to forget about my baby. It was only 6 weeks old when it died right? But it was so much more than that. It was the enormous potential of another life in my life. I planned its birth, its room, its name, its place in my home and heart. What I lost wasn't just a small blob of cells. It was so much more. And now my birthday (which unfortunately comes every year) will ALWAYS remind me of my losses. Both my babies.