Peace

I have been trying so hard to be patient and not use a pregnancy test this last week. Which is really funny because I was testing 10-12 days early. I know, I said I was trying. Not succeeding. And on Thursday I told myself I could wait until Monday. Well, Sunday morning I couldn't help myself, and I tested. And it was blue! I was so unsure how I would react to good or bad news, and I didn't cry. I didn't scream, I just had the peaceful feeling of "I knew it." Like I really had known all along. So today has been a really really good day. The sweet relief and peace I feel at church was just SO intense. I felt so blessed. But I guess it's a bad habit I've made, because now that it's dark, I can feel the anxiety creep in. Will I lose this one too? Will I get that beautifully swollen belly I see so many of my friends with? Will I get to announce the gender or birth? Will I get to keep my baby? Since the beginning of this month, I have had this feeling that this month will be the one. And I will be blessed with a healthy baby. I felt that before I even started my period that week. Then when I started testing for ovulation, I just knew when it would happen, and knew that it would be successful. I can't even tell you the assurance I had before I used the pregnancy test. I already knew. I just did. I have not had the paralyzing anxiety I thought I would have, or the horrible fear either. But I guess I have just felt so saddened by my friends' pregnancies for so long that it is habit now. Or is it the dark? I don't know. But right now, I just praise Heavenly Father, and thank Him with all that I have that I am pregnant right now. I am so happy to just have this unity.