Remembering

It's been a long time since I had to write last, and I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful that I had no problems during my pregnancy. I am so grateful that my depression finally disappeared last year and has not come back. I am SO grateful for a beautiful angel in our home. I have never felt more rewarded for something I have deserved far less. But I am incredibly grateful. Why the post then? I guess I just wasn't expecting some emotions to show that have. A friend posted on her blog that she is expecting and had a hard time deciding if she even wanted another baby. And I saw the ultrasound. I got the same heart stopping panic and tension in my chest that I used to get whenever I saw ultrasounds or baby announcements before I got pregnant. Why? I'm not sure. I didn't experience that at all while I was pregnant with my baby girl. Will it always be like this? I'm a little scared. I want to be happy for my friends who are pregnant. I want to be happy for myself when I get pregnant in the future again. I don't like the fear. I don't want to just live in panic during my future pregnancies like I did for so much of this last one. I'm a little scared that I felt those feelings again. And just thinking about my experience brought up all those emotions from my depression. It is still hard to think about and even harder to talk about. The emotions are still so sharp. Even after so long. It's been a year since my last miscarriage. I've had a healthy pregnancy and beautiful healthy baby since then. I am honestly a little shocked that I still feel those things so acutely. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. All I can do is hope they never come back.

Waiting.

The last couple months have been so full of cascading and completely opposite emotions. I have been so scared and have honestly had a hard time even acknowledging that I am still pregnant. I try not to think about it, try not to talk about it with my husband, and just plain ignore it. Though, it is hard to ignore being sick 24/7. Every once in a while I get a brief flash of joy about possibly being a mom again. But I just can't let it last. I can't let myself get caught up in that. Because it's just too hard to lose. The last few days have been a little tense because this was the point my last baby died. This will be the furthest I have gotten since my son. It is so scary for me, so I just try to live in a mind set like I am not. I am trying to just trust in the Lord and have faith that everything will be ok. I feel assured most of the time, and I feel peaceful most of the time. But it is hard to keep the fear at bay. And, as horrible as it is to say, it is hard for me to trust right now. I KNOW that anything is possible with the Lord, and I KNOW that if He wills it, it will happen. My problem is trusting that He wills it right now. It is hard to let go and to fully trust, but I'm working on it. It is something I never thought I would struggle with.

MORE news :(

Is it always going to be this way? I am soo soooooo tired of hearing about PREGNANCIES!!! 3 more announcements today, and 2 genders. Each one is still such a shock. And is still so depressing to me! I just need to stop reading blogs and facebook. It hasn't been doing me ANY good this WHOLE year.

Peace

I have been trying so hard to be patient and not use a pregnancy test this last week. Which is really funny because I was testing 10-12 days early. I know, I said I was trying. Not succeeding. And on Thursday I told myself I could wait until Monday. Well, Sunday morning I couldn't help myself, and I tested. And it was blue! I was so unsure how I would react to good or bad news, and I didn't cry. I didn't scream, I just had the peaceful feeling of "I knew it." Like I really had known all along. So today has been a really really good day. The sweet relief and peace I feel at church was just SO intense. I felt so blessed. But I guess it's a bad habit I've made, because now that it's dark, I can feel the anxiety creep in. Will I lose this one too? Will I get that beautifully swollen belly I see so many of my friends with? Will I get to announce the gender or birth? Will I get to keep my baby? Since the beginning of this month, I have had this feeling that this month will be the one. And I will be blessed with a healthy baby. I felt that before I even started my period that week. Then when I started testing for ovulation, I just knew when it would happen, and knew that it would be successful. I can't even tell you the assurance I had before I used the pregnancy test. I already knew. I just did. I have not had the paralyzing anxiety I thought I would have, or the horrible fear either. But I guess I have just felt so saddened by my friends' pregnancies for so long that it is habit now. Or is it the dark? I don't know. But right now, I just praise Heavenly Father, and thank Him with all that I have that I am pregnant right now. I am so happy to just have this unity.