Recovery. Yeah right.

To say the least, this week has NOT been easy. I have been so torn by two impossible predicaments for myself. On one hand, I have become completely obsessed with being pregnant. I want it so badly that it consumes my daily thought. So much so I even think of it when I'm doing other things that are intended to keep my mind off that very thought. Every day I am constantly paying attention to cramping, bleeding, mood swings, appetite changes, ANYTHING that might mean I am ovulating or am pregnant. Any slight moisture and I am running to the bathroom to see if it is blood. On the other hand, I am in no way ready to handle being pregnant because then comes the possibility of losing my baby again. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, postpartum depression, and anxiety. I am on medication now to handle them, but it isn't working. I have medically lost my mind. Or more appropriately, broken it. And it isn't coming back together. I fall apart at the slightest things. I can be laughing so hard it hurts one minute, and crying the next. I still find myself feeling like something is missing or wrong, then come to the chilling realization that it is my mind. And the end is so far off. So far off, that it is like the burning you feel when you hold your breath for 30 seconds. You have held on so long, it hurts so bad, I must breathe! Only to see the end is months away. Not moments, not hours, not days, or even weeks. Months. How can you hold your breath that much longer? How? Then I get the sinking feeling that I am not going to make it. Why try? I can't go that far. Just the overwhelming feeling that I know I am emotionally, physically, and mentally spent now, but the end is so impossibly far away, is what I feel. That brief moment when when you are falling before you hit the floor. When you travel miles and miles on foot to reach the brim of your sacred valley to find it is a desert. No sweet relief from turmoil, no water, no shade. A barren waste. Cracked, bone dry dirt. Dust. There is nothing here. I must get pregnant to relieve my mind of its obsession. I can't get pregnant because even the possibility of losing it is unbearable. I NEED both things, but I can handle neither.

Yesterday I met with old friends. One is pregnant, and I knew she was. But I almost backed out because I didn't think I could face her. But I pulled myself together and I went to the party. I was doing ok. Then, another of the friends announced she was 3 mo along. I went numb and I couldn't even move. I can't be hearing this. It took weeks for me to prepare myself to see one friend pregnant. Then I all of a sudden had another just spashed in my face. I couldn't even process it. I was just trying so hard to shut the doors. I don't think I was even breathing. Then, to my utmost horror, someone turned and asked me if I had anything to announce. The tears just started spilling. I couldn't even find words for I don't now how long. This is the start of another shatter. Crumble. Breakdown. I should be 9 mo along right now. Was about all I could muster.

Recovery? yeah right.

My Son.

Have you ever had one of those days in school where you can't even try your hardest to focus? Your mind is just bent on wandering? I feel like that. I feel like that a lot. I have been doing ok, and even been trying to move forward. I feel happy even sometimes. But, like I posted before, my emotional state is still excruciatingly fragile. I can completely break down at the sight of something. It's to the point now that I fear what sets me off. When I see a pregnant woman, instead of pangs of jealousy followed by sorrow, I feel panic. Panic because I don't know how long this set back will take. How long I will take to get back to baseline after this break down. It doesn't take long anymore, but still each one is unbearable. I think that my mind has been blocking out the world, life, maybe most things, because then I won't notice the things that make me hurt. My mind is numb most of the time, but I only notice when I find myself staring out at nothing. Today I didn't notice until after I put my son to bed.

He had been a little whiny today, but I couldn't figure out why. I had changed him, given him snacks he didn't eat, filled his cup. I could only think he was tired or bored. When I was cleaning up after he was in bed, I realized I couldn't find anything I had given him to eat. He must have actually eaten everything I gave him. Which was a lot for him right now. He hasn't been eating much lately. I just sat on the couch and cried thinking that my baby was hungry and I couldn't even tell. I was not there for him. He had ended up eating a whole granola bar, a whole cheese stick, some strawberries, some trail mix, and some smarties. This is a feast compared to what he has been eating lately. But there was not one crumb anywhere. He had eaten it all. Where am I? Where is the mom who cares so much about her son's nutrition? About his development? I know he is too young to notice, but I notice. I'm faltering. I am still so confused. I don't know what's going on. I CANNOT let this affect my son. I have to snap out of this. I have to do something more.