Remembering

It's been a long time since I had to write last, and I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful that I had no problems during my pregnancy. I am so grateful that my depression finally disappeared last year and has not come back. I am SO grateful for a beautiful angel in our home. I have never felt more rewarded for something I have deserved far less. But I am incredibly grateful. Why the post then? I guess I just wasn't expecting some emotions to show that have. A friend posted on her blog that she is expecting and had a hard time deciding if she even wanted another baby. And I saw the ultrasound. I got the same heart stopping panic and tension in my chest that I used to get whenever I saw ultrasounds or baby announcements before I got pregnant. Why? I'm not sure. I didn't experience that at all while I was pregnant with my baby girl. Will it always be like this? I'm a little scared. I want to be happy for my friends who are pregnant. I want to be happy for myself when I get pregnant in the future again. I don't like the fear. I don't want to just live in panic during my future pregnancies like I did for so much of this last one. I'm a little scared that I felt those feelings again. And just thinking about my experience brought up all those emotions from my depression. It is still hard to think about and even harder to talk about. The emotions are still so sharp. Even after so long. It's been a year since my last miscarriage. I've had a healthy pregnancy and beautiful healthy baby since then. I am honestly a little shocked that I still feel those things so acutely. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. All I can do is hope they never come back.