Waiting.

The last couple months have been so full of cascading and completely opposite emotions. I have been so scared and have honestly had a hard time even acknowledging that I am still pregnant. I try not to think about it, try not to talk about it with my husband, and just plain ignore it. Though, it is hard to ignore being sick 24/7. Every once in a while I get a brief flash of joy about possibly being a mom again. But I just can't let it last. I can't let myself get caught up in that. Because it's just too hard to lose. The last few days have been a little tense because this was the point my last baby died. This will be the furthest I have gotten since my son. It is so scary for me, so I just try to live in a mind set like I am not. I am trying to just trust in the Lord and have faith that everything will be ok. I feel assured most of the time, and I feel peaceful most of the time. But it is hard to keep the fear at bay. And, as horrible as it is to say, it is hard for me to trust right now. I KNOW that anything is possible with the Lord, and I KNOW that if He wills it, it will happen. My problem is trusting that He wills it right now. It is hard to let go and to fully trust, but I'm working on it. It is something I never thought I would struggle with.